Bone dry: Celibate Celebrities

I was heartbroken to find out Lenny Kravitz has been celibate for three years. Time was, I could go to sleep at night comforted by the fact that Lenny would be working over any one of Natalaie Imbruglia, Lisa Bonet, Natalie Portman, Penelope Cruz or Kylie Minogue. If you can’t trust Lenny Kravitz, who can you trust? To be fair to him, he’s probably worn his most valuable instrument down to a harnmless nub. But he’s setting a bad example and he’s not alone in this wilfull abstinence, there is a whole rash of sex-misers on the celebrity circuit. Gentry asks the question on everyone’s lips: why, oh why?

It’s a long held tradition in sport to abstain from promiscuous activity to retain focus and hunger, to transfer that sexual desire into competitive action. Famously, NBA star A.C Green retired as a virgin. Green still holds the record for playing the most consecutive games in NBA or ABA history, so it worked for him. Juventus and azzurri defender Nicola Legrottaglie hasn’t had sex for two years, claiming that “there is nothing going on down there and I never do anything foul”. The reverse is obviously true for sportsmen, that too much sex, or indulging at the wrong time, can be costly. The great Dutch masters of the 1974 cup were undone by a night of debauchery and consequently blew the final, big time. It’s well known that, at the behest of the West German team, a fleet of the finest prostitutes in town were rounded-up and set to work on the lotharios from the Netherlands. Groggy and heavy legged, they lacked the stamina to see off their better rested opponents. Others such as Ronaldo, Ronaldinho and Romario have all put in bad performances in important matches after a strenuous 90 minutes the night before.

But surely, in the upside-down world of entertainment, having buckets of sex would help you be a better rock star, giving you the horrid self-adulation necessary to perform on stage. Lenny seems to be slightly confused in his motives, believing that “it takes a lot of power away from people”. Who exactly is after him, what fiends have hounded Lenny into this lonely sexile?

Sex sells, that’s old news. But virginity also has a paying audience, especially in George Bush’s frigid America. For years Britney Spears’ has-she-or-hasn’t-she (she had) enigma was part of her strange appeal
for many guilty older men. Jessica Simpson’s career was born out of her continually publicised statements about saving herself for marriage. In Brazil (surely the most promiscuous country on earth) A.C. Milan midfielder ‘Kaka is a Catholic icon because of his celebrated pre-Marital virginity. Each of these have made considerable amounts of money off the back of their clean-cut image.

Notable celibates have included Antoni Gaudi, Stephen Fry, Brook Shields, River Phoenix and Immanuel Kant. Perhaps, then, such restraint does provide a kind of intense focus, an undistracted and clear-headed vision of the world. But I cannot help but be let down by some of today’s stars. George Best, Warren Beatty, Mick Jagger – all masters of their chosen professions but surely they wouldn’t be the icons they are if they hadn’t also tattled around in the gossip columns for their illicit bedroom behaviour. Celebrities are idolised because they are vivacious, bigger than life, the embodiemnt of vitalility and verility, achieving what most people can only dream of. Anyone can NOT have sex with a beautiful model, that’s nothing to strive for. This disparaging recent trend coincides with a distinctly lower calibre of celibrity, with current dry-humping pin-ups Adriana Lima and The Jonas Brothers a case in point. Frequently dumped actress Jennifer Aniston has now jumped on the sexless bandwagon – and that’s the last straw. I think I speak for us all in saying that we want our stars wasted, unhappy and horny. Thank God for Lindsay “firecrotch” Lohan.


One response to “Bone dry: Celibate Celebrities

  1. What a sad, sad thing to read…

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